I try to stay positive, really I do. I have negative days. Today is neither I just have things I need to work at and work though. Some people know that since I had my baby that died, Ivee, that I have not been the same. That's true. It has been a struggle to get up every day since I deliverd her (Feb.2,2007). I had just lost a baby before her, we named that baby also, Gilbee. I knew that Gilbee's pregnancy was not right from the beginning, I knew that he was going to pass. Ivee, was different I felt her move and twist in my belly, I got morning sickness, she kept me up all night with her little moves. My belly got big, Mark and I would lay on the couch and rub my swollen belly. I loved that pregnancy. Yeah, the twins were really young for me to have another baby but I was ready. The week before I delivered Ivee our family had the flu, I felt like something was wrong with Ivee. I was told that because I was in my second trimester that things would change, I knew that. I still felt like something was wrong. I KNEW that something was wrong. I talked to my doctor who said that if I felt I needed a ultrasound to calm my mind to come down and get one. I did. In the ultrasound room it was tense. I could tell the way the tech wasn't talking that something was wrong. To make a long story shorter. Her body was there but her heart had stopped...I was so let down. I blamed myself. I blamed God. I blamed anyone I could. I swore never to have another child. I couldn't bear to have another child in my life that I couldn't take care of. As the weeks went by I realized that Blaming God was not the right thing to do. I couldn't blame anyone else, not even myself. As I realized all this I came to a better understanding. I still wanted more children and I couldn't let Ivee's death be the end. I had to continue. A few months later I got pregnant again and that's how I have Bridger Jaxon. I'm so very happy that I have him.
I need to talk about Ivee. Mark and I held her little body in our hands right after I had her. It was the saddest thing that we ever have done. To leave our little girl. I still struggle not having my Ivee with us, but I get by. I talk about my children and keep up beat, but not a day goes by that I don't think of Ivee and Gilbee. They are also my babies.
So forgive me, if I have days that I seem a little blue. There are the days it is harder to live with that memory of Gilbee and Ivee. I need to remember. Here are the only pictures I have during this time in our lives. (Picture's of the pregnancies that is)
This is Lola hugging my baby bump when I was pregnant with Ivee. (The roundish grey thing is my belly)
Ivee's First ultrasound picture
2 shout outs:
I'd heard that you'd miscarried before, but didn't know how far along you were or that you had actually lost two. My sister lost one at 20 weeks (her first and she was 35 yrs old). The hard thing is I was also expecting Elyse at the same time, 3 yrs ago. It was hard to go on with my pregnancy as she dealt with the loss of her baby girl. She did go on to have another girl a year later and is now expecting another girl in a month.
And it is hard to go on with life after losing someone, especially while trying to be a decent mom at the same time, caring and loving your children. I've lost 2 brothers and since Brian's death, I feel I've journeyed from the valley of the shadow of death. There are days where it hurts more than others.
I'm glad you have been able to realize what's important and that you have your beautiful children and a good husband to keep you going. Thanks for sharing.
Jett, I sit here totally comforted by your willingness and need to share. Thank you so much for your example. I lost a baby a while back, and I honestly have been very different, before I got pregnant with the second pregnancy I was very very very baby hungry. Since loosing the baby I am not at all. I really had a hard time with losing a baby because I felt like I had done something wrong or that I had imagined the whole thing. It's really good to hear from others who have experienced the loss of a baby because then you don't feel so alone...Thank you so much for sharing, Love you tons and I pull a lot of my strength from you so thank you!
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