I try to stay positive, really I do. I have negative days. Today is neither I just have things I need to work at and work though. Some people know that since I had my baby that died, Ivee, that I have not been the same. That's true. It has been a struggle to get up every day since I deliverd her (Feb.2,2007). I had just lost a baby before her, we named that baby also, Gilbee. I knew that Gilbee's pregnancy was not right from the beginning, I knew that he was going to pass. Ivee, was different I felt her move and twist in my belly, I got morning sickness, she kept me up all night with her little moves. My belly got big, Mark and I would lay on the couch and rub my swollen belly. I loved that pregnancy. Yeah, the twins were really young for me to have another baby but I was ready. The week before I delivered Ivee our family had the flu, I felt like something was wrong with Ivee. I was told that because I was in my second trimester that things would change, I knew that. I still felt like something was wrong. I KNEW that something was wrong. I talked to my doctor who said that if I felt I needed a ultrasound to calm my mind to come down and get one. I did. In the ultrasound room it was tense. I could tell the way the tech wasn't talking that something was wrong. To make a long story shorter. Her body was there but her heart had stopped...I was so let down. I blamed myself. I blamed God. I blamed anyone I could. I swore never to have another child. I couldn't bear to have another child in my life that I couldn't take care of. As the weeks went by I realized that Blaming God was not the right thing to do. I couldn't blame anyone else, not even myself. As I realized all this I came to a better understanding. I still wanted more children and I couldn't let Ivee's death be the end. I had to continue. A few months later I got pregnant again and that's how I have Bridger Jaxon. I'm so very happy that I have him.
I need to talk about Ivee. Mark and I held her little body in our hands right after I had her. It was the saddest thing that we ever have done. To leave our little girl. I still struggle not having my Ivee with us, but I get by. I talk about my children and keep up beat, but not a day goes by that I don't think of Ivee and Gilbee. They are also my babies.
So forgive me, if I have days that I seem a little blue. There are the days it is harder to live with that memory of Gilbee and Ivee. I need to remember. Here are the only pictures I have during this time in our lives. (Picture's of the pregnancies that is)
This is Lola hugging my baby bump when I was pregnant with Ivee. (The roundish grey thing is my belly)
Ivee's First ultrasound picture
I even played a little. I looked like the living dead but I had fun!
The kids were having so much fun they didn't want their naps.
Logan felt the need to slay the cute little princess, silly little boy.
